True Life: I'm Taking the Bar

There are a lot of things people tell you before, during, and after you take the bar exam. There's the well-meaning advice, the "you'll be fine" or "I'm sure you know more than you think!," as well as the tips on how to pass, and the inevitable comparison to a marathon, not a sprint.

However, I was not prepared for some unexpected consequences of studying for the bar.

1. I lose track of days. Seriously. When you're studying for a test 7 days a weeks, 10-12 hours a day, for two and a half months*, the days tend to run together. "Oh it's the weekend? That's nice- I still have a 3 hours practice exam to take, three 50-page outlines to read, and 2 practice essays to write. Today." (* indicates that is what I should be doing)
2. You lose track of time. There are days when I start studying at 8 a.m. and then look up and it's 3. This is a good and bad thing. Time splits itself into alternately flying at the speed of light and seemingly going in reverse. The "speeding" typically happens when I take a 30 minute break that inevitably turns into an hour and the reverse happens when I'm watching a 3 hour video "Oh I have to be close to the hour break...nope--just 10 minutes in."
3. It becomes very easy to trick yourself. I have tricked myself into thinking that going out into public wearing attire that I could easily sleep in is appropriate. I have also tricked myself into believing that makeup is optional...if not unnecessary.
4. This one is a little harder to admit because I know it makes me sound like a bad person. Taking the bar has led to a severe lack of empathy. It doesn't matter what you tell me is wrong, my first though inevitably is "well at least you're not taking the bar." I'm sorry.
5. Adding to #5, I have lost all sense of reality. 
6. Adding to #5 and #6, I have lost all sense of sanity.
7. You become extremely melodramatic. 
8. Taking the bar also makes you feel even more insecure and inept than ever. There were days in law school I just thought I felt like I didn't know anything. And then I began studying for the bar. It's incredible how much one test can make you question your life. You alternate on a daily, sometimes hourly basis between "I'll be alright, I think I'll pass" to "hmmm...what are my career options when I fail the bar? I've always wanted to be a ______."
9. And lastly, a good consequence-- you find out who your true friends and family are. They are the people that love you, through your insanity and your short-temperedness and your mental and/or emotional breakdowns and they love you regardless and unconditionally. I know it must be so hard to be a friend/spouse/family member/animal/child etc. of a person taking the bar- it must be so frustrating to feel like there is absolutely nothing you can say to make that person feel better. And I'm going to let you in on a secret, there really is nothing you can say that will help. Remember- we are crazy, irrational, dramatic weirdos right now (please see numbers 5-8). There is no rationalizing with us. Just tell them you love them and that you'll always be there for them. Your patience, love, and kindness means more than you will ever know.

I think it's important to record this moment in my life. I'm sure that as time goes by, studying/taking the bar won't seem so bad (here's to hoping). But this is a moment I do always want to remember. I want to remember these feelings, emotions, doubts, insecurities. These are important. This is a chapter of my life that (hopefully) I won't ever have to return to and a chapter that will (hopefully) let me finally be the person I've been working so hard to become.

There's a quote I really like from a woman who taught herself how to dance in a year. 

"When you watch someone perform, you're seeing them at the top of their game. When they score the winning point or sell their company for millions--you're seeing them in their moment of glory. What you don't see is the thousands of hours of preparation. You don't see the self doubt, the lost sleep, the lonely nights spent working. You don't see the moment they started. They moment they were just like you, wondering how they could ever be good."

Anyways, this is me, recording my self-doubt and lost sleep. I don't want to forget the moment I started, just like I don't want to forget my moment of glory. 

Exciting Times & New Chapters

So no, I didn't forget I had a blog. It has been cray cray around here lately and while I would have loved to "officially" record my memories via my blog, I took the time to just enjoy every moment of the past month. I have many pictures and many wonderful memories that will last a lifetime.

However, I do want to briefly recap and get us caught up to where we are and share with everyone some very exciting news!

So, apparently I graduated law school.

With my love who also graduated

With my law school family

With my sweet family who sat through a 3 hour graduation just for me <3

There are so many more people than those in these pictures who helped me get to where I am, and continue to love and support me every day. I love you all and am so very blessed.

Along with graduation, I began bar prep. 

Or just don't make sense...

Anyways- the fun part about being in Barbri is nothing. However, we do like to play a game where we try to decide what celebrity the day's Barbri lecturer looks like. So far, we have Stephen Colbert, the boss from Office Space, Paul Harvey (voice not looks), and that main guy from He's Just Not That Into You Justin Long. Anyways, so that's "fun." Regardless, I'm glad I'm in the same boat with all my friends and boyfriend so that we can complain to each other and try to have mercy on the outsiders haha. 

And lastly, Z & I officially know where we will be moving and officially have jobs...

We are both so excited for this next chapter in our lives. There was a hot second where we weren't sure if we were going to end up in the same town or have to do long distance for awhile. Long distance was always something we knew was a possibility but hoped we wouldn't have to experience again. However, we are both very happy and blessed that the stars aligned and that we both found jobs we're excited for in the same awesome city. We are looking forward to the food, concerts, activities, and "big city" life that Austin has to offer and we are excited that we get to experience it with each other and with some of our closest friends. Official start dates are Sept. 16 and for now, we are slowing beginning the process of hunting for a place to live. We would love any and all advice about the Austin life, where to live, what to do etc.

Before I sign off, I would also like to ask that you keep in your thoughts and prayers South Fork, Fun Valley, Wolf Creek, Creede, Del Norte, and the many other cities in Colorado that are being affected by some very devastating wildfires. I grew up spending my summers in Fun Valley with my family and friends. My home away from home is being threatened by a dangerous wildfire and because of the dry weather and heat, it's hard for the firefighters to get things under control. They're doing everything they can, but it definitely wouldn't hurt to say a little prayer. Please pray for the firefighters' safety and for some relief to help them contain this devastating fire. 

The Final Countdown

Well after 20 years of homework, pop quizzes, TAKS tests, and finals, I am in my last full week of school. How crazy is that? To think I've been in school all but 5 years of my life and now it is coming to an end. It is so amazing, yet so scary at the same time.

I'm a very Type-A person. I like to have a plan--not necessarily for the day-to-day activities, but for the future. I like to know where I'm headed next because uncertainty and the unknown tends to scare the living sh*t freak me out a little. Law school has helped with this phobia- it has taught me a lot about taking things day by day, to control what you can and let be what you cannot. However, I still appreciate the opportunity to be able to have a future plan.

This will be my third go-around of graduation yet my first where I don't have any clue as to where I will be in 6 months to a year from now. When I graduated from Abilene High, I knew I was going to be a Red Raider.

Hey there hot stuff

When I graduated from Tech, I knew I was going to Tech Law (thank God).

My sweet family <3

And now I'm going through my last round of senioritis (which by the way, is worst than ever before), my last week of school, my last graduation and I'm not quite sure what the future holds. All I know for now is that I have my family, my friends, and my man who love me, support me, and cheer me on every single day. Because of them I have made it this far and because of them, I will make it through the next step into the unknown "real world." You know, the world of work days, maybe 2 weeks of vacation, and no summers...woof.

So for now, I'm going to enjoy these last few moments of being a student. Of being able to get the student discount at places, of being in class with my friends, of walking the halls of my school carrying a backpack. For now, I'm enjoying and living in the moment. Because in a few short weeks, this moment will be over.

And maybe I'll go buy a Lisa Frank trapper keeper and go out in style :)

Starting Over

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted...You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house."  --Matthew 5:3-15 
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After the tragedy in Boston on Monday and West yesterday, I came to the realization, now more than ever I think, that life is so incredibly short. We are not guaranteed a tomorrow, we are not guaranteed anything. We are not guaranteed to finish this path that we have set for ourselves. Life can truly change in an instant. It flies by so fast, that sometimes you miss the miracles and beauty that surrounds you. 

I have realized that I have been wishing my life away. Wishing to be done with high school so I can go to Tech, wishing to get into law school, wishing to be engaged (yes I'll admit that #honestmoment #dontjudge) wishing law school was over so I could finally get a job...wishing it all away when what I should have been doing all along was enjoying each moment, the triumphs and failures, the laughter, love, and tears, that are part of life. Those moments, those people, that make your life what is it, that make you who you are and who you will become. 

That being said, I am going to try to press the reset button and start over. I am going to try to chronicle my moments here, in full honesty, so that I take the time to enjoy my life and reflect on all the "little" moments. I want to be able to look back, years from now (if I am so lucky) and show my kids what my life was like. The struggles I went through. The lessons I learned. The people I loved and the people who loved me back. I want to be able to look back when I'm older and have these wonderful memories. I don't want to ever forget how lucky and blessed my life has been.

I will try to catch things up to where life is now in the coming entries but for now, let's try to enjoy every moment, take time to tell the ones you love how much they mean to you, and pray for the lives lost in Boston and West, as well as the individuals who are trying to recover from their injuries, and the families whose lives will be forever changed because of these tragic events.